Despite what my fantasies of grandeur may be, the reality is that I am single.
Before this worldwide pandemic, I was flying high with two wax wings stuck to my back heading straight for the sun, truly believing that my dating life was healthy and lush. Next thing I knew, bars and restaurants were closed and I was stuck indoors with a paragraph-long, text-message break up that I had sent to myself just to keep things dramatic.
That was March, and this is August. I sit here writing this now with way worse posture and way less clothing than Carrie Bradshaw, knowing that sharing my unconventional ways of surviving the pandemic as a single lady could possibly help another person out there. Ideally someone will read this and be inspired to take my advice, but I am also prepared for the reality that this will serve as a sad litmus test, allowing the reader to walk away confidently knowing their life isn't as tragic, nor acidic.
The Tennis Ball
I know everyone within the range of the wildest sex freaks to the shyest traditionalists are slapping a Post-It with a smiley face on their vibrators and calling them their new boyfriends, but I think I’ve found someone more special than that. I took several pages out of Cast Away, The Last Man on Earth, and my roommate’s Stretches to Heal Your Neck pamphlet when courting this lover. The Tennis Ball. You put this guy (or gal—actually, I guess sporting goods are inherently non-binary?) between your back and a wall, and Wow. It’s working out spots of tensions so deep you start crying and telling it all your secrets and past failures and then it asks if you want a nice cup of tea only when you’re completely done venting. Then you big spoon it in bed and stroke it’s fuzz until you're fast asleep at a reasonable hour of 5:00 AM.
Get A Fake Online Degree
We’ve all realized that being stuck at home makes for the perfect time to pick up that hobby we’ve only half cared about in an attempt to really "make it work this time." Whether it be playing an instrument you paid too much for seven years ago or deciding you’ll be the next Claude Monet with 100 Crayola Washable Markers, it’s time to really apply yourself and see if you have what it takes to be great. (Spoiler: You don’t, and you’ll ditch this once we’re allowed to get wasted in public again.) As for myself? Well, I decided to take courses in graphic design taught by a European robot! Sure, I could be working on my real passion of writing, but I’d rather re-learn the color wheel so I can brag about being well rounded to my friends. I’ve even turned my new hobby into an outlet for both my vanity and compulsive behaviors by posting the same picture to Instagram with different Photoshop edits as if it lives in an Palm Springs time-loop. (Here's the Proof.)
QUICK TIP: Don’t have the time to dive into a full blown course on The Importance of Sans vs. Serif Font Types, but still want quality content? Consider looking up some short “How To” videos on Youtube, or taking advantage of the green-screen filters on Instagram to create images that you can quickly slap onto your Vision Board in hopes of making all of your dreams come true. (See Right).
Post Everything Online
(Everyone’s Doing It!)
If you’re missing human attention more than human interaction, join the group of lemmings jumping off the “posting good looking pictures online” cliff! We’re literally all doing it! I hate doing it and I’m still doing it! I’m writing this article now knowing I’ll add pictures of myself to it! Is it a delusional way to grow my insecurities rather than my self-confidence? SURE! But until I can go out every night and collect tokens of attention via sharing my thoughts in the form of one-liner jokes this bikini picture from three years ago will have to serve as bait to coddle my ego! The cautionary warning I must share, should you choose to take this piece of advice, is that you will receive attention from everyone except the one person who’s attention you were actually trying to get. It’s like Murphy’s Law, but shittier. We’ll call it Olivia’s Law. On the flip side, the attention you so desperately crave will come from people you’ve been trying to avoid, robots claiming to be hot girls, and spam accounts claiming they’re “Will Arnett.”
Listen to Taylor Swift’s Folklore Album
I swear to [insert your Higher Power here]. Whatever you do, do not play even one song from this album. As a single girl surviving the pandemic, listening to her melodies will be like eating poisonous berries in the wilderness. (As I type this I wonder if that’s a real thing, or a danger just made up during my cartoon childhood?) If you play this album backwards, you can hear the subliminal message repeating, “Text Your Ex. You Miss Them. Text Your Ex.”
If you know a Single Girl who has set her Tinder radius dialed up to 100 miles, or a roommate who has gone so stir-crazy she's been sexualizing the living room plant, share this article with them to save a life (and a potted ficus)!