I Meditated for 3 Days
And It Changed My Life.
At this point in the pandemic season, we’ve all claimed to have “found ourselves” at one point or another. We all ripped our souls open while staying indoors surrounded by both literal and metaphorical mirrors. And in those mirrors, we took a long, hard look at ourselves and asked why the bags under our eyes protrude more when we tilt our head down versus when we keep it level. Then we had to ask ourselves why we cared so much about the sacks of fluid under our eyes puffing out. Then we had to put the edible down and figure out which way our room was in our small apartment with no hallways.
Don’t you dare negate the story above, I know we’ve all been here.
Ever since I moved to Los Angeles Proper from Los Angeles Adjacent in 2017, I enjoy expressing in the most vague tone that I’d “like to be a better person.” Whenever I would say that, I would be given the suggestion of meditation. Most of the time it was from exactly the type of person you would expect: green smoothie holding, yoga mat touting, Lululemon spirituality telling you that if you just “sat with yourself for even just two minutes a day, you’d be so much more relaxed.” I constantly wrote people like this off, scoffing and thinking, “of course two minutes of stillness is a breath of fresh air when you’re railing coke throughout the day, Tolayah (Birth Name: Sarah).”
I don’t need to regale what “This Year” has been, but Stay At Home Orders literally forced us back into our rooms like mom & dad when they found out about that thing they weren’t supposed to find out about. (You know, the thing. No, I’m not going to type it out my parents read my blog, you type it out in the Comments.) With that came excessive streaming service binging and the discovery of Midnight Gospel (Netflix): the trippy cartoon about enlightenment and more brought to you by Duncan Trussell (The Duncan Trussell Family Hour Podcast) and Pendleton Ward (Adventure Time). With only 10 episodes in the series as is, I finished and was itching for more. Luckily, the episodes are spawned from Trussell’s long running podcast, opening up a huge library to get lost in. I found an episode with David Nichtern teaching a step by step guide into meditation. This episode broke down one type of meditation into a step by step how you’re supposed to meditate, and it turns out you’re not supposed to scream at yourself and throw kitchen timers at walls when an idea pops up in your head.(Click his name to learn for yourself!)
You’re just supposed to look at the thought and say “I acknowledge you, but I will not spiral into you.” Sometimes the spirals do happen, and that’s ok! Turns out, your Higher Power does not beat the shit out of you when thoughts run wild!
So with not much more to do in a pandemic, I meditated for three days, and here’s exactly how it changed my life.
A Heightened Sense of Entitlement
When you sit with yourself and quiet the negative voices that are always tearing you down, you realize you’re hot shit and that your rack is ridiculously great. You realize that the cacophony of voices from memories can be unplugged as easily as karaoke hosts do to my microphone. (I understand that this is a satire piece, but that last part is the honest to omG truth.) I’m very excited to have reached this level of Entitlement, and can not wait to move up the ladder to Delusion, and then maybe one day Oblivion.
Fresh Advice in the Group Text
When you awaken to your new sense of Entitlement, you know that you have discovered The Better Path and that everyone around you needs to get on board. So you take on the burden of being the bearer of good truth. Any phone call or text you receive of a friend or family member in distress will now receive the most pure answer: You should try meditating on it (don’t forget the sparkle emojis). This can apply to complaints, venting sessions, and even basic questions.
Because they have not yet awoken, they’ll hear this advice and start fuming and that will be another great time to point out that meditation could help with that!
It’s Easier to Fall Asleep
I can not express how easy it is to fall asleep when you meditate. For this to work, I highly recommend laying down in a position that is most standard to your night time routine. Focus on your breathing, and then switch focus onto that weird animated thought you had that kind of reflects what you talked about with your coworkers but also resembles your friend, but not like your friend the way you know them, kind of them mixed with Keanu Reeves? It’s ok to follow that thought spiral if it’s going to lead to dreams of Keanu Reeves! That is pure bliss, my friends, don’t let any spiritual book tell you otherwise.
I Am A New Person
No seriously, I have no clue how I ended up in this body and it is terrifying me. Someone please send help, this woman is 5 feet tall and I’ve never been this consistently close to the ground before. I am too terrified to go to a hospital with this concern, but maybe one of her 6 blog followers will recognize that the tone in this article is a little different than usual and have maybe watched enough Freaky Friday remakes to believe this. The Little Dicky music video counts too. If you know someone who can help with body switches induced by 3 days of meditation, please send this article to them. Thank you.
If you enjoyed this, tap that adorable little heart! If you need more quarantine entertainment, you'll enjoy Single Girl's Guide To Staying Inside!
(But before you do that, please help me get out of this body.)