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  • Writer's pictureOlivia Hill

Day 1

rainbow palm trees golden clouds dark grey sky

7:08 AM - Slam awake with heart palpitations and nerves as if I had been drinking the night before and all the sugar and caffeine has metabolized to whip me into the day. Except I haven't drank in years, so I have to assume that the lack of regulation in my body and this overall sense of fear is a cause from the events of the night before. My alarm is set to go off in two hours and I debate for a second using the energy I've been cursed with to go for a run but just the thought of obsessive thinking makes me choose the kinder option of going back to sleep. At least when I dream, even my worst thoughts are sewed into a random narrative that doesn't exist in this reality.

9:15 AM - Wake up to the sound of clanking construction outside my window and wonder what time it is before the next 56 thoughts revolve around the situation at hand. When I've quit drinking, substances, people in the past there is usually a burst of confidence, energy, motivation, just a general fuck you, I'm flying feeling. This morning I can't find it, and I assume it's because it's not the first time I've tried to end things. I send some texts and voice messages to friends, and call one of my closest--still trying to find that confidence in my decision.

10:30 AM - Through one of the many gigs I work, I'm given an opportunity I've been working towards for years. It is delightful, and feels like I'm being handed a green box with a gold ribbon days before Christmas with a note on it that encourages me to, "Open Early!"

11:17 AM - My best friend is still hearing out my dumb thought loops and her patience through these past years is unfathomable when I really step back and look at it. She's one of my favorite people and I wish she lived closer. We end the call laughing about spells and spirits and if we should worry about the possibilities of slipping into psychosis.

4:17 PM - I realize I'm clocking extra hours at work rather than putting off projects and tidying for tomorrow because I don't really want to go home. It reminds me of 2016 when I used my intensive desk job to completely distract from the end of my first adult relationship, but a more calm version. This time I'm half allowing the emotions to hang out, which is easy for them to do as I'm mindlessly stuffing ands stamping hoards of envelopes. I'm not in full Zen mode where I can "sit in the shit" fully, so I put on a podcast of a stranger who is rooting me on with her confidence.

5:56 PM - Driving to the post office admiring the palette of colors in the sky from today's random drizzle. For what was a sunny yet extremely windy day turned into rain with sunshine streaming through from the West, practically "parallel" to the point of gravity we built a city on. The clouds are either dark, dusty periwinkle or a burnt rose pink, there's even a freaking rainbow in the sky that has muted tones. It's all too beautiful for an iPhone to capture. It reminds me of Kindergarten when I'd compulsively draw rainbows on every class assigned journal entry--something I just assume all 5 year olds do--and because of that memory, I also feel like it's some tongue in cheek sign from the universe that we're onto better things. (The muted colors help it feel mature.)

6:20 PM - Eat some chocolate from my parents' Valentine's Day gift and start editing some clips to throw onto the Internet in hopes of online growth, and new eyes seeing me come across their feeds.

7:08 PM - Leave the complex with my neighbors calling out my name to say hi, I'm in a bit of a rush but this overall excitement resonates excitement back in me and lifts my spirits.

9:22 PM - I become aware that I've been genuinely focused on performing during this rehearsal rather than letting the thoughts of last night or any previous night flood my brain in the downtime between my participation. Even recognizing it doesn't make me want to follow the "What If"'s or "Should've"'s. I'm happy that I'm present and recognize that this state has been missing from my life for the past month or so.

9:54 PM - Check what time the ice cream store closes for the hell of it even though I know eating sugar at this hour would turn me into a Gremlin.

10:17 PM - I pull into a spot, excited to put these thoughts to Internet paper. As I walk through my door, it doesn't come in verbatim, but I can hear a vague memory of snark, "What are you gonna do? Write about me?"

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While this is different from what I've previously shared on this website, if you'd like to read something in a similar vein please consider: Trash Funeral or American Prince.

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